You Don't Mess with the Captain!
by Fettkat
Summary: The Star Wars sitcom continues! Much to my own surprise! So Ep. 3. You don't mess with Booster Terrik. You just don't. Unfortunately, some people need to find that out...the hard way!Starring Ben S./ Valin H. and Booster T. Go on, crack yourself up laughing on this one!


**A/N: A shout out to lifeofstarwars for help and inspiration with this one! Enjoy and don't forget to leave a review! :D**

Ben Skywalker slid smoothly onto the bench opposite Valin Horn in the Jedi Temple mess hall, looking uncharacteristically shifty. Valin regarded him equanimously, chewing a breadstick, waiting for his compatriot to open the conversation.

"So there's this girl."

Valin sighed, dropping the half-eaten stick back onto his plate.  
"Seriously, why do all your conversations with me begin with that?"

Ben was non-plussed. He shrugged.  
"She's hot," he answered, as if that was the answer to everything.

Valin rolled his eyes.  
"I'm sure she is. Otherwise I doubt you'd be talking about her."

"Look, I need your help."

Valin was instantly wary.  
"Ben...," he said, warningly.  
"What have you told her about me?"

Ben Skywalker was the very picture of innocence.  
"Nothing! Nothing at all! 'Course," he assumed a typical gambling stance, eyes hooded, affected nonchalance in place, "There could be a date in it for you. She seemed the type to have super-hot friends."

"Did you promise her a double date?"

"No."

"A gay best friend?"

"No."

"A-A...," Valin blanched, " a three-some?"

Ben looked almost offended.  
"Force, no! Geez, Horn, get your mind out of the gutter!"

Valin frowned.  
"Then what do you need my help for?"

Ben shifted uncomfortably, fidgeting on the table-top. He hemmed and hawed a few times before finally gathering up the courage to spill it.  
"Well, I...may have _implied_...merely in the interests of impressing her, mind!...that I...ummm...own a Star Destroyer."

Valin's eyes snapped wide.  
"No!" he exclaimed vehemently, standing up and bringing his fist down on the table for added emphasis.  
"Absolutely and positively not!"

Ben hurried to his feet, trying to make his friend understand.  
"Awww c'mon, Val! I was born on it! Besides, it'd just be for one date! I'd just give her a tour, buy her dinner, you know..."  
He was pleading.  
"No one would even know we were there."

Valin folded his arms, uncompromisingly.  
"No."

Ben sidled up to him, hissing in his ear.  
"Dude, this girl is smokin', a'right? And I have a serious chance of getting laid! We could even double!"  
He nudged him in the ribs.  
"I mean, c'mon. How long has it been since you got any action? 10 years? 15?"

Valin glared.  
"Ten months."

Ben staggered back, eyes wide, clutching at his heart, feigning a cardiac arrest.  
"And you're not_ dead_?! It's a frackin' _miracle_! Praise the Force!"

Valin continued to glare, mentally wishing he had a smashball bat handy to club him with.  
"Are you done with the theatrics? People are beginning to notice."

Indeed there was tittering around the mess hall as other Jedi having their lunch had noticed the two and were exchanging comments among themselves or hiding their smirks.  
Ben Skywalker, completely unabashed, flashed a wide grin, and bowed extravagantly around on all sides.

Valin shook his head.  
"Forget it Ben. There is no way in all nine Corellian hells I'm going to risk my hide to ask Booster to make you captain of the _Errant Venture_. Not even for a day."

* * *

_How does he do it?_ Valin marvelled, as he walked down the thickly carpeted corridor of the _Errant Venture_, none too enthusiastically, to meet his grandfather.  
Ben Skywalker strode alongside him, whistling cheerfully, hands stuffed in his pockets, brazenly checking out the serving-girls of various species who wandered past them. They all giggled at his obvious attentions, none seeming to mind.  
_How does he do it?_  
Valin had never been quite sure whether Ben's talent as a ladies man and a rampant flirt was more worthy of censure or admiration.  
_He's going to take a smashball bat to the head one of these days,_he thought, and sincerely hoped he'd be the one swinging it!

Booster Terrik, captain and owner of the _Errant Venture_, chewed on his cigar while he heard out their rather unusual request.

"So whaddya say, Booster," Ben wheedled, "How about a favour to give a guy a hand?"

Booster pierced Ben with a look of his red prosthetic eye, then shifted lethargically in his large arm-chair.  
"So she's good-lookin', this lass o' yours?"

"Booster, I'm telling you, the girls of your establishment, while undoubtedly attractive in their own rights, will pale into insignificance beside this beauty!"

Booster's shaggy eyebrows shot up and he gave out a hearty guffaw.  
"Well that's a mighty tall claim you're making there, Skywalker! And you've slept with enough of my girls yourself!"

Ben gave a self-deprecating shrug, and Valin felt his blood heating all over again.

Booster leaned forward conspiratorially, his eyes glinting.  
"Tell you what. I'll meet you at the bar when you come aboard with this girl. You introduce me. If I like her, you get the ship for a night. If not," he shrugged, "Well, then you'll come clean to the young lady and face the consequences like a man. I'll be listening, mind," he wagged an authoritarian finger in his face.

Valin's jaw was hanging open like a limp fish, and his eyes looked about to start from his head. He couldn't believe his own ears!

"Wait wait! Hang on just a minute here! Granddad! Are you _serious_?! You're actually going to go along with him?! You're going to give him the _ship_?!"

Booster leaned back, swatting Valin's objections away as though they were merely trifling.  
"Aw don't get yer knickers in a twist, grandson! Ain't like I'm takin' anythin' out of yer inheritance! Yer beginning to sound just like yer dad! I'm making a deal with this kid here. Call me an old softy, but I'm all for helpin' out young love."

"Young love? _Young love_?!"  
Valin was very nearly spluttering in outrage.  
"Who're you kidding?! He's just going to nail that broad! You know it! It's what he always does!"

Ben sounded hurt.  
"It is not! I don't always get to have sex on the first date!"

Valin swivelled between the lounging figure of his grandfather and the cocky image of his friend, fuming, but in the end he simply threw up his hands in a gesture of despair and stormed out of the captain's cabin.

The two remaining occupants exchanged a glance.

"I'm getting worried about that boy," Booster growled softly.  
"Doesn't even have a girlfriend. Not healthy at his age. You don't think he's..." he quirked his eyebrows inquisitively at the younger man.

Ben smirked.  
"Well, if he is, I'm just grateful he hasn't fallen for me yet!"

* * *

Booster Terrik sat at the bar in the** Hot Streak**casino, casually observing the sporadic groups of gamblers at various tables, his band of more than capable dealers handling them dexterously. They were a carefully hand-picked crew. Booster made sure that he personally knew each and every member of his staff and crew aboard his Destroyer. No mean feat, but he firmly believed that if they were going to be responsible for either your life or your money, it was best to maintain a personal connect. And the more favours they owed him, the better!

The bartender hopped up to him enthusiastically, flashing him the winning grin he successfully employed on so many of his customers. Booster was not impressed. This was a new fellow and the captain intended to test him tonight to see if he was worth his mettle.  
"Your Fogblaster, Captain sir!" he chirped.

Booster took one sip, hacked and then threw the rest of it in the boy's overly cheerful face.  
"You call that a Fogblaster?!" he roared, sounding quite like one.  
"I don't run juice bars on this side of my ship! Round here, I expect you to pour whisky like a man and hold it like one! None of this outlander poodoo! Get me a Whyren's! And if it don't taste like a Whyren's, I'm telling you, boy, you'll be the one doing the drinkin' and I'll still be the one doing the yellin'!"

The bartender scurried off to oblige, having paled almost to match the colour of his shirt.

"Booster?"  
The captain turned at the sound of the amused voice to find young Ben Skywalker, dressed rakishly for a date, leading forward a stunning young lady dressed in a very appealing low-cut cocktail dress. She smiled winningly at him from under a mass of blonde curls and held out her hand.

"Booster, I'd like you to meet Starla. Starla this is Booster. He's...er..."

"First mate," Booster Terrik supplied smoothly, bending down to lay a kiss on the girl's outstretched hand, as Ben urged him with a pointed look.  
"I'm Captain Skywalker's Chief Commander of Operations."

Ben glowed with smug satisfaction. He hooked his thumbs in his belt and surveyed his surroundings with a proprietal air. Booster would have cuffed him round the head had he not been committed to holding up his side of the act.

"Booster here knows more about _my_ship than I do myself," the boy bragged, stressing on the 'my'

Booster had to grit his teeth to keep from lashing out at him.

"I'm sure he does," the girl addressed the real captain, honey dripping from her words.

Booster felt a tingle race up his back. He slid off the stool, offering her a polite arm.  
"Well, I'm sure your lady friend here will be expecting a tour of our fine vessel, won't she... _Captain_?"  
He almost had to grind out the last word.

"Of course! And after that, you get to pick any table here you'd like to try your hand on. It's on the house!"

Booster could have sworn Ben did that one on purpose.

* * *

"And this is the brig."

It gave Ben the shivers to be standing on the bridge of an _Imperial II_-class Star Destroyer. Altogether too unpleasant memories of his cousin and the _Anakin Solo_. He glanced over to the other two with a faint scowl no one noticed. Ever since he'd introduced her to Booster, the lovely Starla had been edging away from him and towards the buff old man. By now she was literally hanging on his arm, watching with wide eyes of wonder as Booster flaunted the controls and capabilities of the Star Destroyer. This wasn't turning out to be much of a date and Ben was glad when they finally exited the command centre. He had to admit, it was impressive how Booster made do with such a skeleton crew for a capital ship of this size, but then again, he also knew how much faith he placed in the absolute loyalty of his staff. Every man manning the bridge would have been willing to lay down his life several times over for his captain. Whatever you could say about the man, that was something you simply had to admire in Booster Terrik. Ben himself had met only a few people in his life who could command such loyalty in his followers. Of course, his father was one of them, apart from Talon Karrde, Wedge Antilles and Booster.

Booster was talking again as they walked down the corridor.  
"...I'm sure you're going to love. Where are you from, by the way, my dear?"

"Sacorria."

"Ah! The Sacorrian vintages! I'm generally a whisky man, meself, it's the Corellian in me, after all, but some of the older Sacorrian wines... so sweet and rich... Just like their ladies!"  
He winked. Starla blushed. Ben scowled.  
_Has the man no shame? Flirting like that! And at his age too!_  
It was about time he got a word in.

"Hey, Starla, you up for a bite? I'm starving! This ship has some great places to eat!"

Starla finally seemed to notice him.  
"Oh I'd love that! Where would you suggest, Booster?"

Just when he thought he'd been able to wrest her attention back to himself, Starla returned her adoring gaze to the captain! Ben felt frustrated.

Booster grinned.  
"Come, my dear. I'll take you two to my favourite eatery around here. Not everybody knows the kind of stuff you can _really_get on this ship!"

Ben rolled his eyes.  
_Great! Now he'll be joining us for dinner!_

* * *

The beautiful babe, Starla, wasn't really all she looked. Sure, she was tall, blonde and beautiful, and even from Sacorria, as she'd said. But her name wasn't Starla. It was Rubi Stahl, and she was a holonews reporter. She'd wangled her way into Ben Skywalker's attentions knowing that a scoop on the dashing young Jedi Knight would definitely boost her slightly flagging career, if not get her her own entertainment and gossip show on the network. But now that she'd stumbled onto Booster Terrik, and one of the most well-known shadowports in the galaxy, she'd shifted her priorities. A scoop on _this_, and she'd be taken as a serious journalist. Not just a Javis Tyrr, but maybe a Madhi Vaandt! That would get her her own spot for sure! Thus, over the course of the night, she'd angled away from the younger man, aiming now for the much bigger fish in her sights.

Dinner was an awkward affair. Booster had been intending to teach Ben a lesson about his womanizing ways, but it seemed he'd stepped in it a little too far. The girl, who looked to be about a quarter of his age, was looking seriously interested in him! He hadn't intended matters to come to such a head. The three of them sat around a small table, Starla batting coy eyelashes at him over the rim of her wine-glass while he felt his collar heat up, keeping a smile plastered on his face to maintain appearances. Conversation had slowed to a trickle, with Ben now making no effort to hide his displeasure at being upstaged on what was supposed to have been _his_date! For the first time, Booster found himself wondering where his grandson had stomped off to, wishing he would come by so the rest of this evening could be foisted upon his shoulders and Booster would be free to slip away undetected. He swallowed another shot of whisky, keeping an uncomfortable eye on the girl who was drunk on most of a bottle of Alderaanian red. Atleast he did his homeworld more credit than she did hers! Who would have thought a Sacorrian could get drunk only on wine! Ben sat slumped silently at one end, sulkily nursing one of those disgusting Fogblasters, his eyes shooting vibrodaggers at Booster whenever they met.

He didn't know whether it was his sixth glass of whisky or his imagination, but suddenly Booster Terrik felt something soft and smooth sliding up his thigh. He looked down to find a fair hand resting on his breeches beneath the table and Starla leaning drunkenly over his arm.

"Say, you wanna get outta this place and go somewhere, ya know...private?" she slurred.

Booster's eyes went wide. His startled gaze shot up to find a very angry Jedi on the opposite end. Ben Skywalker stood abruptly, allowing his chair to crash on the floor unheeded.

"Alright, that's it, old man! I've had it with the two of you! You want to play cradle-snatcher? Go right ahead! Go on and have fun... or whatever!"

And with that, yet another young man stalked out disgustedly on Booster, leaving him in a position he was less than flattered to find himself in.

* * *

Booster staggered down the corridor to one of the Destroyer's luxury suites, supporting a very tipsy young woman on his arm. Passing patrons let out gasps or giggles upon coming across the sight and the captain felt himself growing redder and redder, wondering whether this was actually good for his reputation, or whether it was simply shooting it down to hell! Finally having arrived at the door to one of the suites, and having successfully fended off his partner's attempts at touching anything particularly embarrassing, Booster fumbled with his access cards, trying to find the one to match the suite's entry code as well as keep his companion upright. He made a mental note to wipe all the security cams of this area later. The footage might prove compromising to him were it to fall into the wrong hands!

He let the girl stumble in first and he had barely stepped in himself when he found her hands fumbling with his shirt. Flushing a bright beetroot, Booster firmly held her hands away from himself and hoisted her on to the bed despite her grunts of protest.

"Hey! Aren't you going to join me?"

Booster gave a nervous laugh.  
"Sure thing, honey. Just need to use the 'fresher first."

"I'll be waiting..!" Starla trilled, collapsing on the bed in a fit of giggles.

Booster sighed and headed towards the refresher on the other side of the room.

The minute Booster Terrik was out of sight, Starla, or rather Rubi, dropped the drunken blonde act. Working quickly, she set up an almost invisible button-cam at the head of the bed where it would be sure to get the widest view and put up bug-mikes in tiny blobs of glue in several places around the room. She configured her datapad to send a secure but continuous transmission of the feeds to headquarters and laid it casually on the bedside table so that it wouldn't attract attention. Surveying her preparations, she nodded to herself, apparently satisfied, then mussed her hair again and lay back on the bed provocatively waiting for the elderly captain and the story she hoped to extricate from him tonight.

Meanwhile, in the suite's refresher, the captain had the water turned on and was splashing his heated face and neck liberally, shaking his head and muttering at the fix he'd landed himself in tonight. The girl was a stunner, sure, but he simply wasn't into all that any more. He was no longer the age for it. Maybe he should have just let the Skywalker kid have his way with her. The _Venture_ was his true love now, and he'd be damned if he'd ever think of being faithless with her! He looked up into the mirror, considering.  
_Captain Booster Terrik_...He stroked his chin thoughtfully.  
Maybe he still had it in him after all!

Rubi heaved a huge yawn, lying on the bed. The wine had made her sleepy. She looked at her chrono and frowned. The old guy had been gone for quite a while now. What could be taking him so long? Carefully she rose to her feet, and tiptoed towards the 'fresher door. There seemed to be no sound coming from the other side. She knocked.

"Booster?" she called softly, "You alright in there?"

No answer.

She pressed the access pad.

Nothing.

Rubi's frown deepened and she hit the pad harder.

Still nothing.

She banged upon the door, but to her utter consternation, it refused to budge!

With a bad feeling rising in her gut, Rubi turned and ran to the main door of the suite. Even that refused to respond to any of her attempts to open it! She grabbed at her hair and tugged it letting out a scream of frustration. The kriffing rodder had somehow escaped and locked her in!

Booster walked, hunching slightly, along a small service passage-way running parallel to the ship's main deck. He thanked his foresight that he'd had all the practical sense of a smuggler to ensure all his rooms had escape hatches. After cooling off in the 'fresher, he had opened a hidden panel by the side of the mirror and keyed in his personal override code. An entire section of the 'fresher wall had slid aside, revealing a secret exit into the service corridor. Before leaving, though, he'd locked all of the room's other exits through the panel. He didn't want a drunk, half-naked girl running around his Destroyer! She would do better if he simply let her sleep off the wine.

* * *

Ben Skywalker ran into Valin Horn at the **Hot Streak**casino bar.

"Hey", he greeted him.

Valin responded with a curt nod. He was nursing a whisky in front of him and Ben would have bet anything it was still his first drink of the night. He knew Valin's severely low capacity for holding liquor all too well. He really was a disgrace for a Corellian! He hailed over the bartender.

"One Sapphire Fogblaster, please."

The bartender scowled.  
"Why? You planning to chuck it in my face?"

Ben frowned, puzzled.  
"No. Why would I do something like that?"

"The captain did," the bartender grumbled, shuffling away to comply with his order.  
Ben stared after him, bemused.

"So,... _Captain_," Valin drawled, sarcastically.  
"How was your night with the extremely attractive lady?"

Ben scowled.  
"Didn't get her."

Valin's eyebrows shot up.  
"Oh? Who did then?"

Ben downed his toxic cocktail in one gulp, blanched and muttered darkly.  
"The real captain."

For the second time, Valin felt his jaw drop and hang down limply.  
"_Granddad_?!" he spluttered weakly.  
"Wha-? How-?"

"Dunno."  
Ben speared Valin with a glare.  
"Do me a favour next time, bro, and remind me not to mess with the blighter, will ya?"

Booster Terrik relaxed on the _Errant Venture's_ bridge, puffing on a cigar. He was scrolling through a series of images captured by a security cam sometime earlier that evening. He found himself smirking as he removed the sequence from the cam's memory. On an impulse he saved it onto a secure folder on his datapad, then folded his hands behind his head, still smirking.  
Yep. Booster Terrik still had it in him to be the Captain!

** THE END**


End file.
